my story

I am, you could say, an open book.

Yep, I always have been. When crazy things happened to me, good or bad when I was a kid, I would always share my experiences so that others could learn from them if they chose. I guess that’s a little narcissistic, but I figured that not everyone had to go through unpleasant things if I just shared my experience. So, I shared. Everything.

And as you can tell, that philosophy hasn’t changed. Now, I’m not trying to say that I would do anything different here, I probably wouldn’t, but it’s good to know the facts before you jump into something like adoption. Cause let me tell you, I didn’t jump, I cannonballed.

So my most recent story of heartbreak is this…

Yesterday at school I was teaching and I got a call from the agency. I ignored it cause I was teaching, and I figured it was no big deal. Kyle then called a few minutes later on my classroom phone. I took it.

That was one “mistake” I didn’t see coming.

He told me to sit down and then said, “She changed her mind”.

I thought he was kidding. Seriously. It took probably 10-15 seconds to really understand what he was saying. She. Changed. Her. Mind.

I left. I got a friend to cover my class and I bolted. There was no way I was going to stay at school.

I then sat in the car for around a half an hour going between bawling and calling the agency or my mom to make sure she hadn’t changed my Christmas ticket (and you know, cause I wanted to talk to my mom).

When I talked to S from the agency she said that she had talked to the birthmom both saturday and sunday of that weekend. Both days the birthmom said she was “sure” of her decision. But then Monday morning her boyfriend called S and said that the birthmom couldn’t do it. She then got on the phone, supposedly a blubbery mess and said that she had changed her mind and wanted to come get her baby girl.

I drove home. I felt like a zombie. I felt like something was ripped out of my chest. I felt like my heart was gone.

At home Kyle met me and we just sat together. Very few words were said. We just sat together. Soon he left, and I was alone.

Thanks to facebook and my “open-book philosophy” at that time people were finding out what had happened to us. I never thought that fb made my life a ton better, but at that moment, it did. A good friend, Laura, came over to sit with me and let me cry. Not much was said, but she just let me cry. Thanks, Laura. ๐Ÿ™‚

I then went and got Riv at school. We went and saw a movie. I was crying off and on. And I told River that mommy was sad because his little sister isn’t coming home for a long time, not like we thought. I hugged him. I fed him popcorn. Things were better for a little while.

At home I put him to bed and then heard an “intruder” bringing in a case of Fat Tire beer. I told my friend Paula that if she was going to drop off beer, she was also going to drink it. She obliged, and I was thankful to have another friend sit and listen.

It was a hard day.

I am mad. I am sad.

But I get it.

It’s quite a weird place to be in.

I also hate it.

This will get better, but right now I am hurting. I am going through, what Paula pointed out, a paradigm shift. I had an expectation, that in 2 days time I was going to meet my little girl. Now, I am staying here and getting ready for Christmas with a little extra time. That shift will take some time to sink in.

Ugh, time.

As for the name, I found out today (my day off shopping with another wonderful friend who has gone through a different, yet similar situation) that the birthmom is not calling her Kaiya. She has a different name for baby girl, and it’s not the one she put on the birth certificate. I’m not sure if that means we will use the name in the future, but thinking of her with a different name makes it easier a little. Just a little.

We will move on. We will survive. Right now it’s get through each day as it comes.

Thank you all for your support friends. I would be in a much worse place if it weren’t for you.


4 thoughts on “my story

  1. Dear Erin, my heart is aching for you and your family. I am not good with words, but I want you to know a friend you have never met in person is thinking of you and praying for you through this hurtful time. –Love, Shelly

  2. I am so sorry for you guys, Erin. Greg & I know that losing a child (no matter how it happens) is something you’ll never completely get over. As the pain is still so fresh I know words don’t mean much, but from personal experience I know that you will one day look back and see that it worked out as it was meant to. You are in my thoughts and prayers. – Love,

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