Where I’m at.

Hi all.

My last post was quite negative, even though we had very exciting news. I’m sorry for the negativity, but I guess it’s a defense mechanism. I hope someday when my child ends up reading all of these posts he/she understands a little of what I am saying, and they don’t take offense to my sad and pathetic posts. All I know right now is that every time I write, I get just a little bit closer to seeing my baby’s little face.

As I’m sitting here writing this I’m watching one of the adoption segments on “16 & Pregnant”. It really reminds me what these birthmom’s go through, (well, kinda) and although what I have gone through has been pure h_ll, it’s nothing like the true loss of a baby. For this reason I am thankful for open-adoption. This new agency really seems to try to create a relationship between the birthmoms and the adoptive parents. I think this is a wonderful thing. As far as I understand, if this works out, we will be there for the birth, (like possibly IN it) as well as have dinner with her the night before. I want her to know how special she is, and that we appreciate what she is giving. I also think I really UNDERSTAND what she is giving, since I already have River, so hopefully that will create a very positive bond between us…. that is, if we get that far.

I know, I’m being pessimistic.

So where am I at with all this? Not sure. I’m in unknown territory, believe it or not. I have no desire to “get excited” since all I am doing is preparing myself for the “inevitable”. The first time around was pure joy. Getting the baby’s room together, sorting through clothing, cleaning all our baby stuff, etc. And then, well, you know the rest. Second time around was so quick it felt kinda like a tornado that barely touched down and then took off again. It touched our hearts, made a little wreckage, and left a small mess. We weren’t “devastated” that time around, but we were affected. And finally, I haven’t even mentioned the pain that the loss of Nepal left behind. I just don’t want to go there.

Now here we are. Here. we. are.

I may have another sob story to write about sometime in the future, or I may have a fairytale ending. Only time will tell with this one. But I am here in what feels like “no man’s land”. A place that no human being, let alone parent should ever step foot in. It’s a mixture of excitement and fear, of worry and planning, of complete and utter scared s_itless-ness.

It’s not only hard for me to get exited, but also my friends and family. With my paranoid demeanor it is hard for others around me to act excited. I wish they could, and more than anything, I wish I could.

But, I just can’t. I need to keep my sanity.

There will be a time someday, possibly February 25th, or very soon after, when we can celebrate. We can jump on rooftops, we can dance the jitterbug, and we can finally give our love to a child that we have been dreaming about for years.

What do I need now, you ask? Your hope and prayers.

Lots of them.


6 thoughts on “Where I’m at.

  1. I can honestly say, “I understand”. I have often revisited my emotions about Nepal and then have to put them away because they are so strong. My husband says it may be a wound that will never fully heal in me.

    I am excited for you, for the journey that you are on and for the final outcome that will be a child. In all of your pain and heartache, remember that a child will be the final outcome…. and not just any child, but your child! I will be praying for you.


  2. I appreciate your posts Erin. You know, the level of excitement you feel or don’t allow yourself to feel, doesn’t really speak to the love you will feel for the child who will one day be in your arms. Of course, that’s just my opinion but you know, as a parent, sometimes the feelings are elation, sometimes flat and exhausted, sometimes a mixture of both and a host of others. Fortunately, parenting isn’t only about how we feel, but the responsibility and commitment we make. You and Kyle have an abundance of responsibility and commitment and neither one is dependent upon feeling. I don’t think you need to concern yourself with how others perceive your emotional climate. I think we all trust you and know all will be well because you are both exceptional human beings. I hope you can rest your mind and your heart on that. Rest, okay?

  3. I’m just glad you are sharing what you are going through. I think it is important for others to see how real this is, and how painful it can be, but also how joyful it WILL be. I don’t think you’ve gone down the path of no return, where you’ve said “there is no hope”. While you may have felt this at times, I think you KNOW there is hope, and eventually you will be celebrating this new miracle in your lives. I can’t wait to read all about it!

  4. Don`t lose faith Erin:) I know that I cannot even begin to understand the disappointment you have experienced, but it will all happen in the end, the way it is meant to. Keeping everything crossed for you guys! XO

  5. Hoping you get your fairy tale ending. I know how difficult the situation with Nepal is and agree those wounds will never fully heal but hopefully our little ones waiting for us in Rwanda will make it a little more bearable. Do you ever get back to Colorado? If you are ever here let us know. Will continue to think good thoughts for both our families.

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