(sort of) unexpected emotion

Whew. It’s been quite a week. One week ago we were on the plane to Disney World. Little did we know where we’d be only one week later.

Today (after a long sleepless night) 🙂 we relaxed a little and Kyle and I had a dinner with the birthmom and her caseworker. We were planning on doing this dinner before the birth, but well, you know the story.

The dinner was great. Birth momma was in pain from her c-section, but the whole dinner she held Autumn and we all had a nice conversation. When we arrived she also gave Autumn a beautiful scrapbook that she put together that had pictures of her, the birthfather, and Autumn’s two biological brothers (one full, one half). The most important thing she did though, was write an incredibly loving and thoughtful letter to Autumn. One that we will read to her often.

The dinner lasted a couple of hours and I savored every second. At the end of the dinner I wasn’t sure what to expect. I mean, how would I ever say goodbye to my daughter that I will not raise, and maybe never see again? I have no idea how I would cope, and I’m sure that unless you are ever in that situation, you probably wouldn’t know it either.

So the time came to leave, and as fate would have it, her oldest son called to say hello. The birthmom is kinda a shy person, and not touchy-feely at all, so she decided that a wave to all of us when she was on the phone with her son was a good way to part- kind of a “see you tomorrow!” sort of wave. I don’t know how I would have handled it, but I would hope that I would be even half as brave and strong as she was. She is truly amazing.

Then I come in the picture. We walk back to our car and I lose it. Like really lose it. Not because I think that I did anything wrong, not because I think the birthmom doesn’t like us (I really hope she does!) but because I, for a little while, put myself in her place. I feel just a tad bit of her pain, and I am not even as close to as strong as she is. I just hope and pray she is content with this decision, and that she knows how truly loved this little girl is, and will be.

Seriously, I was a mess. It was completely pathetic. Kyle hugged me in the parking lot and I was totally embarrassed (even more so after he told me that they drove by when I was bawling). Sometimes I think I feel too much, sometimes I think I feel to little. Right now, I am overwhelmed. The gift we have been given… ahhh… I can’t even begin to explain the emotion that this comes with. It is beautiful, it is wonderful, it taps a part of my soul that I didn’t know existed.

I know that this blog has had a lot of whining, and crying, and pain and sadness. But I hope, more than anything, that it makes someone out there consider adoption as a part of their life plan. It probably won’t because of all the crazy situations that have come up throughout this process for us, but I want you all to know that what I have been through has been worth it. Every tear, every frustration, every bit of anger. There is a world out there with kids that need homes, birthmothers who know that they can’t parent a child not because of lack of love, but instead lack of resources, support, etc. This journey we have been on has (is) a road of uncertainty, but it is a road worth traveling. If more people out there decided to consider adoption, this world would be a better place.

Even after all I’ve been through, I truly believe that.

Now, I have a hungry baby to attend to.

Mother of two, signing off.

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5 thoughts on “(sort of) unexpected emotion

  1. very well written erin. i can’t imagine all of the emotions that you and kyle have experienced over these past few years…
    this has been a pretty amazing little journey for you and i can’t wait to hear a little more about it.

  2. I’m sure it is totally normal to have so many emotions…it shows how much you love your new daughter and where she came from. You will be such a fabulous mother of two:-)

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