Sun and Hills (with lots of valleys)

“Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, Please shine down on me!”

This is one of my favorite songs to sing with River in the dreary Minnesota winter months. Never in his short little lifetime has the sun actually listened to our song, but this March, well, let’s just say I will be belting this song louder than ever in the years to come if I have a chance of another March like this.

We needed it. I could probably say that every year, but I feel like that is truer this year than most. As you have read in my previous post, my gramps passed away (sort of) unexpectedly the other week, there have been lots of sickness going around our family (including influenza… the serious kind of flu), Autumn has been highly attached to both Kyle and I whenever she is outside of a familiar place (something which is new to us), as well as various family issues that we are working through, and finally the question of what to do with our Rwandan adoption.

Many people in the “Land of a Thousand Hills” (Rwandan) adoption community who have been waiting almost as long as we have were recently told that their files were closed.  The government of Rwanda is working on an alternate route for orphan care. So because of that, their Rwandan dream is over. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

Where does that leave us, you may ask? Well, we don’t really know. We are in a different situation because we are one of the 20 or so families that have their file at the orphanage. From my understanding, there are around 10ish adoptable children at this time, and these are the last children that are going to be adopted out of Rwanda for quite awhile—or at least they have Hague policies implemented into their adoption system.

So are we one of the families to get matched? I don’t know. If we are, and for some reason we decided to not accept the referral, that baby would possibly never get adopted, and may be institutionalized for years- or sent through a brand new foster care system. And, if we don’t get matched, we will never adopt internationally.

So, that leaves us with the fact that if we get matched, there would have to be something major—like seriously major, for us to reject it. And if we don’t get matched, we are going to stay a wonderful family of four.

There could be many outcomes here, and all of which I have come to terms with. I don’t know what the future looks like for us, and that is honestly maddening. If there is one thing that these adoptions have taught me is how patience sucks. I am tired of waiting, of struggling through our day-to-day life with the big question mark labeled “adoption” hanging over our heads.

But I can’t leave this post without saying that if I didn’t suffer through this, I wouldn’t have my Autumn. I wouldn’t have “my happy”. Maybe someday there will be another little girl whom I can give a cute nickname to- but if not, I am okay with that. I am okay with where we are, and hopeful of where we are going. I believe that whatever hand we are dealt, that is what we were meant to handle.

I just wish it wouldn’t take so long.

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