the end.

Although nothing has been officially told to us yet (and there may still be some miracle where this whole post is off base… but I am VERY doubtful) we have come to the end of our four year adoption process.

This was not (quite) the end I was envisioning.

The story is this: We had been unofficially told that we were matched with a baby sometime around March. (Just days after I wrote this post). Basically, the nuns at the orphanage, after searching for our supposed daughter’s (Meadow was going to be her name) birth parents extensively, matched us with her. They then sent the file to the government of Rwanda to get one last signature. Yes, one.

The government, from what I can gather, was becoming very cautious in the world of international adoption. I think this happened for many reasons, one being that they were trying to change their policies and become a part of the Hague convention (I have explained that in earlier posts, kinda) which typically takes a long time. Another being that one that one of the children whom they adopted out internationally had a birth mother come back looking for her child. As you can imagine, it must have been a difficult thing for them to explain to her, and they did not want  to repeat that.

Many countries today are slowing down any and all international adoptions. I sorta understand why… wanting their countries children to grow up in their birth country, or try to create a culture where adopting a child that is not biologically your own is a good thing (it takes a village!) But many countries are just not there yet. I am not saying they can’t get there, they CAN. We all know the one constant in life is change. But, as we all know, change takes time. Change to become Hague. Change to convince a nations people that embracing their countries orphans by adoption is something that is socially acceptable. All of this will take time.

But that little girl who was ours, sorta, does not have that time.

Those thousands, millions of children who are sitting in orphanages do not have that time. I can only hope and pray that they are being loved by a caregiver, that they are being touched, and that they are being tucked into their beds at night.

But our Meadow will never be tucked in by us. By her family who has been waiting for her for over 2 years.

We are sad. But honestly, things in our life are not the easiest right now, so this just makes it simpler. Simple is good, right?

This has also firmed up our decision to quit our adoption process, and love what wonderful children we have. Maybe someday another little boy or girl will enter our hearts once again and join our family. But I don’t expect it. For now, our family of four (+ 2 crazy dogs) will stay just the way it is.

This adoption road (for now, and I believe forever) is done. We have come to the end of a long and arduous road. Although we have now lost Kaiya, Meadow, and the the other domestic and Nepalese babies, we got one bright and shining star, our Autumn Kai. 4 years of working on adoption paperwork, hoping and dreaming about what little baby will enter our lives never prepared us for her. For her happiness, her spunk, and her smile.

And then there is River. His love got me through these 4 failed adoptions, and has stepped up to the plate at being a fantastic big brother. He has been my rock, the one I could hold onto and know he was there. I feel so lucky to have brought him into the world.

So now we move on. Life is short, and time’s a wasting. I hope someday I will take my family and travel to Meadow’s beautiful country and maybe, unknowingly, cross paths with her. But I do know that my 2 children will not grow up ignorant of the orphans of the world. They will know that there are kids out there who don’t deserve to be living without families, and that if there is something small that they can do, even just befriend a child, they should do it.

I know that one person alone can’t save the world’s children, but if all of us just stood up together and did something small, it would make a heck of a difference.


11 thoughts on “the end.

  1. Erin, I am in tears at your story. 😦 I’m so sorry about Meadow, I was hoping and praying for it to all work out for you guys!

  2. I’m sorry for all the pain you have endured in the name of love. You have taken HUGE risks for the sake of children and you are to be highly honored.

  3. A post that I am truly sorry to see in print. For 4 years we were all pulling for your family’s dream and praying right along with you. I am so thanful for River and your Autumn. May your young family grow into all that you dreamed it could be. Love to you all.

  4. I know how difficult the last 4 years have been. I too am trying to find peace, let go and move on but am not there yet. You are much stronger than me. Thank you for sharing your journey with me. I wish you and your family all the best.

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